Clearly the next generation of
video game control will be peeing into a brown box to power a small plane, and you obviously can’t have sex if you really, really have to pee. So I had to stop, get dressed, and take a walk to the hall’s bathroom (which looked like a
saloon from a Western). As I was gone I could see [16.7] and [13.2] walk into my room wearing giant blue shirts. Ugh, I knew I shouldn’t have left because they’d come in and they’d fuck around with things in my room. I was so protective of that tower. [13.2] almost immediately broke the second cell and there were these tubular yellow fixtures that for whatever reason reminded me of the little
green balls in The Rock (like, why?). But I mean I wasn’t there for all of that—I couldn’t be because I was in the
saloon bathroom thing.
First it was your typical ceramic tile, college dormitory bathroom, only the urinals were like elevated and didn’t have any lip at the bottom so you just had to pee against a white ceramic fixture that was too tall (for me anyway). Definitely a co-ed bathroom, by the way. So there I am peeing against a wall and there’s just a gross amount of splash. I mean there was a drain but it was kind of pointless since—well whatever—I don’t think the urination is the point of all this. Then there’s a video game menu screen, it has a little grayed out crosshair overlay on a map of the United States (yellow landmasses , thin black shadow, blue sea water, green fresh water, white polar caps). You can select two options: one was something like “MISSION” and the other was “SPECIFY PATH” (definitely in all caps, white, really wide sans-serif with the attempt at the black shadow but it’s so sparse it looks blue especially against the yellow). Your cursor was a small red crosshair, and your controller was, of course, a stream of urine.
I um, clicked, “SPECIFY PATH” and then I just got this little green plane, I’m talking 9/11 air traffic control radar thing. Oh by the way my bladder wasn’t quite “good to go” yet, but that whole tall flat urinal thing wasn’t working so I moved over to little brown box trough urinals (made of the same dark brown wood that the entire saloon was made of). So it’s like a trough, right, with little square holes that had ramps which led down to a black hole reservoir of urine. They had little magazine pictures of men or women inserted into squares that came out of the back of the trough squares. Ok that made no sense. You have to get this. There’s a trough, it’s made of dark brown wood. It’s divided into little squares by narrows pieces of wood, and in each square there are ramps which lead to a drain. I first lined up against one that had some woman fashion model in the glass pane the stood upright behind each sqaure. I shifted to the end of the trough where there was a guy magazine cut out. Right so the gendered cutouts just meant who should be using each box.
The plane’s actual path was directed by something I can’t identify, but it could only “stay in the air” if it had enough fuel. So the little green plane whizzed around the coast of the United States and would sometimes, ok it was going counter clockwise because LGA 4R points northeast and the approach only makes sense that way (to a novice like me). It would sometimes make a grossly wide turn around the Florida panhandle and go shooting off to Africa but would be fine once it turned around.
So I’m playing the game with [0.25] and [0], well I guess [0] is really just watching my facial expressions but [0.25] is like into it. [0.25] would be because we used to play Top Gun together. Then I hear screams from upstairs, and it’s [1] in the bathroom with a pretty big black dog. It didn’t seem threatening but it was a big furry black dog and [1] was trying to corrale it but it leaped down the stairs towards me and went over to an opened door that led outside. There was a dying bear with opened eyes staring right at me as its entire upper torso kept the sliding door open. [20] was standing in the background sobbing, holding a bloody butcher’s knife. There was one little fast pig that was totally freaking me out because it was jumping over the dead bear and touching my leg. The fast pig and the big black dog jumped back over the bear and went outside and out of the picture. So there’s me, [20] (crying), [0], [1], [0.25], a dying black bear, and this absolutely grotesque huge-headed pig that was begging for no one to kill it. It was begging not to die but it was also asking for money. Then [1.85] came into the picture holding a huge butcher’s knife and stood over the crying pig. “Please just one dollar and don’t kill me!!!” It had a really shrieking high-pitched voice that was really weird for this huge pig. Then [1.85] chopped into the pig’s side and it began wailing. It’s entire torso opened up and there was this yellow fluid that filled up it’s bloody inside. [1.85] kept chopping and the pig kept wailing.
