Inflatable Ego!

Do you have flaccid self-regard? Do you suffer from self-underestimation? Oooohh! The pain! The agony of your hapless muscles. The routine of appearing indifferent to conversation. The monotony, loneliness, and relentlessly eroding downward spiral of self-deprecation. All that can end as soon as you finish reading this. With these three easy steps, you can banish insecurity directly to the core of your heart (where it thrives and never dies):

1) Above all...it's showtime, baby. You must remember this. When you enter a room, when you move along down the city sidewalks, when you play with little kids - it's showtime. Uh. Yeah. What. The lights go black, the crowd comes to its feet, the public address announcer clears his throat and says, "aaaand now..." There's a hot 20-something above the tunnel holding a sign that says, "TAKE ME HOME, {First Name}." People paid to see you tonight.

The place is rocking and you're still standing behind the security guards with the yellow jackets in the tunnel. You half-stretch your calves one by one, you give a little neck twist, maybe throw in a few hops. You're wearing a white headband, you take it off and chuck it to the side and think, "". Nothing. Nothing at all baby. The spotlight hits the tunnel entrance and casts a blinding light at your toes, "It's showtime, it showtime, it showtime," you whisper it.

The PA announcer belts out your name, "{FIRSTNAAAAME LASTNAAAAAAAAAAAAME}!!!" You hop a little, distributing the weight slightly onto your back foot (no one's that confident), and then you explode out the tunnel, spin around and show your face to your adoring fans as you high-five the trainer and the hot member of the support staff. You get to center stage, raise your hands above your head and say, (politely), "A buttered poppy-seed bagel, please" or "I finished that assignment you gave me" or "Happy Holidays Aunt Laurie." It's gotta be goin' through your head at all times, that scene, that's you, you're the star, it's showtime.

2) Because it's showtime, things go your way. When the subway arrives just as you descend the stairs, it's because of your aura. Your presence in the station literally adjusted the timetable and composition of the entire transit network. Cut ahead a few old folk (they won't even notice), maybe slap the top of the doorway like "yo wutup, I own this car," and go wedge between two comfortable groups of seated people and lean your ass all the way back. Yeah, who got the broad shoulders now! What.

When you're not sure if it's one of those vending machines that can take the bill both face sides up and you give it to it the face side that's less crinkled, and it takes it, that's cuz it's showtime baby! When you buy a bunch of stuff at the pharmacy and one of the items was actually half price and the math in your head was one dollar denomination too high...you know why. Baby it's cuz you're so good lookin' in the spotlight right now. Whoo!

3) You mad famous. You on top the world, baby. When people make eye contact, it mean one thing and one thing only, they are just dyin' to get with you. You see some old dude looking at some mad young chick and you cut in front of her, right in his way. He looks at you in the eyes: yeeeeah. Take a number gramps. Please. You walk past a coffee shop and startle some babe in the window because you're staring at her with your mouth open, she looks you right in the eyes: yeeeeah. Go round up a few mo'. What.

You stand on the elevator with reflective doors and everyone looks away as you stare at your reflection: yeeeeah. What now. The little bell rings but the doors don't open so almost everyone looks at the little blue number to see what up but as they realize you lookin' straight ahead they look into your eyes in the reflection: yeeeeah. "The'y a ho lotta lovin' 'go around, baby." Maybe give a little smirk. Nah. Nah. What now. Uh.

Now that you've read through the steps to achieving instant confidence, it's worth mentioning that before these foolproof guidelines become habitual (studies suggest habits take almost three weeks to solidify), you may need an easy way to remind yourself of the steps, here's how: once you get yourself all did in morning, take a last look in the mirror. Raise your dominant hand about 5 inches below your chin, extend your thumb and index finger, cupping the other three fingers, this should make a pistol-shaped figure with your hand. That little arrangement doesn't pack any punch and is for sissies.

Take your middle finger, extend it, and line it up just beneath your index finger. Now you got a hand cannon. Do you feel the difference? Try it a few times. Good. Anyway you want to look at yourself in the mirror, and fire the gun once. This should remind you of Step 1, when showtime begins. Next, blow out the top of the gun because it's all smoky. Then, put it in its holster at your side. This should remind you of Step 2 because it's cuz of your skill that the holster doesn't catch fire even though, because of you, it's so hot. Next, and this harkens back to Step 3, give yourself a last look and either wink with your dominant eye or give yourself a slight smootch. On days when you really need a big performance, you can do both, but baby... don't waste it.